Ambition/Apathy

Ambition

If you haven’t been keeping up with my (admittedly somewhat-dead) Twitter the past six months, you probably think I just fell off the face of the Earth. To some degree, that’s true of my vanilla life. That’s because I’ve been working on some new hustle I’m excited and ambitious about.

For those that have been around for a while, it may not come as a surprise that I’ve taken up online sex work and have started modeling. It’s just a natural extension of finding me (especially over the past almost three years).

I try not to overwhelm folks on my vanilla social, and by extension blog, with this information however, because I respect that many of my followers don’t follow me for that reason (though I greatly appreciate anybody who’s been supportive, regardless of whether they decide to follow and participate in the NSFW side of my life). So I’ve been on the quiet side as I worked on setting myself up for success.

I started up with adult content creation because I needed a way to express myself in ways that just writing couldn’t do it. It’s always been something I’ve been fascinated in, and have had a desire to participate in (to the chagrin of many people no longer in my life). So now that I’m in a spot in my life where I can try it, and I’ve a partner who’s supportive of it (and me), I am.

I’m enjoying it. I appreciate the new people I’ve met through it (especially my lovely mentor, Roxi Adore, who has a pretty awesome blog herself!). I just with that I had more energy. I’m dedicated to continuing (it’s not something I want to give up on for the foreseeable future), but I’ve been stuck in a rut.

Apathy

Despite being enthusiastic, and trying my hardest, there’s definitely been feelings of apathy and fatigue in my life, both within and outside of sex work.

I haven’t actually really gamed any outside of WoW raids, or leaving Idle Champions on in the background while I work.

I’ve been overworked at my day job (and quite honestly pretty burned out), and have been having a difficult time focusing and coping with life events. My chronic health problems have, if not worsened, held in a position where everything is uncomfortable both physically and mentally. My memory is pretty spotty at best.

And it all cycles into a spiral where I’m continually angry at myself and nothing improves, thus affecting everything else in my life.

I’m trying very hard to get out of the cycle (gods bless therapy), and to come up with small achievable goals and schedules for myself.

My plan is to be much more active come June on the vanilla side, and work hard on an achievable schedule (around day job) for the adult content creation.

I have a goal to post at least once a week here, and stream twice a week, pursuant to my day job and offline schedule.

I have goals for my adult content creation—post two clips a week, post in the NSFW blog (that I’m creating later this week) at least once a week, spend time recording clips and creating photo sets weekly.

I want to start reading more. I want to spend more time actively engaging in whatever non-print media I choose to consume rather than using it as a way to just “zone out” and end up scrolling through social feeds ignoring it.

I want to spend more time exploring my spirituality weekly, even if it’s just an hour a week. I want to push through the physical mess in my apartment that my depressive episodes result in.

And I might just write a little bit more about real-life here instead of just strictly gaming, because I have a feeling that’ll help me be better with the accountability of trying, rather than cloistering it away in my journal for maybe one or two pairs of eyes to see outside my own.