I came across this challenge, and decided to flex my creative writing muscles since they’ve been dormant a long while. I also figured I’d share the challenge so that others could use it as a topic if they needed something!
Write a short story with the topic “a day in the life” and include these words.
Arkady sighed. She rolled over to turn off the harsh alarm abusing her ears with a wave of her hand, and flopped back into bed on her back. Another wave of her hand brought up Arkady’s heads-up-display, hovering in the bed above her.
She scrolled through her to-do list and lazily read aloud. “Decorate the library for Arelle’s birthday. Get Jax to sign Arelle’s card… oh, that will be fun” she mused sarcastically.
“Pick up a pot roast at the butcher. Visit grandma and bring some hydrangea…”
Arkady sniffed back the tears before they started. Grandpa had succumbed due to complications with dementia. It had been tough. But watching Grandma suffer with amnesia due to her cancer treatments was absolutely heartbreaking.
“At least she still remembers her favorite flowers,” she thought aloud wistfully.
Just then Derix and Kasra started chirping and calling for Arkady. “Darn budgies, I at least wanted another few minutes,” complained Arkady. She rolled out of bed gracefully, slipped on her house shoes, and went out to feed her identical blue parakeets and start her day.
I just find I haven’t established a useful relationship with how Discord is used. I currently belong to five different community servers (including Blaugust, two MMO-related ones and two tabletop rpg ones). I rarely keep up with even the “main chat” of any of them, let alone the 5-10 other topic specific channels that *each* community has. Using Discord feels like being hosed down with content every time I open the app.
I very much feel the same. Every time I open Discord, I am inundated. And while I can ignore it for a while, it just gets overwhelming. I’m still going to try to get better at using Discord, however. It’s the main tool friends like to use to communicate. And I feel at a distance from some of my favorite folks in Moogle’s Pom Tavern because I am just not sure how to catch up, or keep up. I think part of my problem is being in a bunch of servers I’m not actually participating in, and even though I’ve muted them, I can still see the little badge letting me know there’s things there for me to read.
I don’t want to leave some of these muted servers for various reasons (though I’ll happily leave others), so I’m unsure what to do about the dreaded unread notification dot in-app. Regardless, I’d very much like to figure something out so I can be a part of the communities I’d like to enjoy with friends, and maybe one day be able to effectively run my own community without much anxiety.
Bitten by the FFXIV Bug
I’ve been bitten by the FFXIV bug, but I’ve yet to succumb to the itch. Both Belghast and Sandrian have mentioned the Moogle Treasure Trove, which is of interest to me as a collector, but I also know that I’m nowhere near high enough level on any classes to do much of anything. Which I think is what’s keeping the bug at bay. Plus, let’s be honest, I really don’t have a core group of folks to play with.
Which, to be fair, is an issue I have with all games right now. Since my divorce, MMOs have just seemed far less enjoyable (I had a live-in gaming partner after all). And Manthing and I are never bitten by the same MMO bug at the same time, either. And I just feel so very shy with trying to engage with a group of folks I don’t know in MMOs. In ESO, I’m pretty silent. I ignore the chat of one of my guilds completely, and only really chat in the other one when Eldan Monster is online.
In honesty, I think this kind of ties back to Discord, as well. I think the past few years I’ve just been struggling to make friends, and interact with the ones I do have. And I have the same problem whether it’s Discord or a game (or even real life)—I end up feeling overwhelmed, and then I hide and distance myself from the friends I do have, and don’t let myself make new ones.
Woof! We’re really doing some tough self-discovery in this post today, aren’t we?
I’m not sure how to begin to fix this problem. I know the “easy” solution is to just… stop distancing myself and talk to others. But that’s a big struggle right now, and I can’t think of any other solutions quite yet.
Rambling Redshirt mentioned in one of his recent posts that he’s been experiencing some difficulty differentiating between weekends and weekdays. I’ve been feeling much the same, to be honest. The routines are much the same, and the content differs, but only slightly. My weekdays are busy with meetings and day job tasks, adult entertainment tasks, and blogging. But my weekends are much the same, minus the meetings.
Therefore, as of this past weekend, I’ve decided to start a new thing. Mainly because I’ve just been burnt out on life. I took Saturday completely for myself, as much as I struggled with doing so. And honestly, having a day entirely to myself, unplanned, where I give myself permission to do whatever I want, and give myself time off from even doing chores actually helped quite a bit. I even did dishes out of a desire to do them instead of “Ugh, they’re piling up, I should do them”.
While it has yet to completely solve my burnout, I’m looking forward to doing much the same this coming Saturday. I’m also looking forward to the week I took off work at the start of June because I’m just struggling with functioning and need time to relax, and finish cleaning/setting up my apartment (almost two years after moving in at this point).
I may be turning into that person who’s obsessed with planning. I mean, I’ve kind of always been, this is no surprise, to be honest, but it’s the fact that I’m loving all the stickers and designing in my Happy Planner that’s surprising to me. This past weekend I ordered weekly sticker packs for the month of June, and I’m dying to get them in and use them. Some of them are printables, so Ainyan kindly offered her printer and Silhouette to cut them. I’ll need to go over and help Manthing choose which files to print and cut for June, but I may have him print an extra set of weekly pages so I can do some designing prior to June.
I’ve been having the YouTube itch, again. Specifically this weekend. It was strong at the start of the year because I can’t get back into streaming just yet due to lack of time. But then life happened and my desire flamed out a bit. The flame is back, and I’ve been trying to decide what to do with my channel. At first, I thought about splitting it up into multiple channels like a lot of guides and how-to videos have said to do… but that’s not what I want to do. It doesn’t feel like the correct choice, or the right path to take. I’ve been trying to get better about listening to my gut on even the simple/less important decisions in my life, so I’m going to go against all advice out there and do my own thing.
I’m passionate about a lot, and breaking up those passions into separate channels feels more like a chore than doing YouTube for what it should be—something to enjoy. Therefore, hopefully in the near future, I’ll be starting to put more Let’s Play videos up, as well as some vlogs and plan with me videos where I share my stickers and such.
I watched some Clone Wars this weekend, as well. I’m so close to finishing season five! I’m in a weird place with watching anything recently, opting for YouTube binges (typically of planners and soap) instead. So it felt good to get back to watching a few episodes. It’s been exciting to watch, but almost bittersweet because I know I’m essentially two seasons (or about 20-something episodes) from finishing it once I’m done with this season.
This weekend, however, was dedicated mostly to Monster Prom! I played so much Monster Prom. So much. So very much. Hours upon hours. It was so much damn fun. Even when I was getting rejected for dates, it was fun. I played a bunch of it online with Manthing as well. I know I was playing it with the intention of just the hearts and didn’t think about what areas on campus gave which stats (and how they might apply to securing a date). Once we figured that out, it made things go much smoother (as did finding a few guides to use when we felt stuck after our first few runs).
I honestly don’t know what to say about the game at the moment, other than I absolutely love it and that I have never laughed so hard at a game before. While playing with Manthing, I was romancing Damien, and ended up sitting at the lunch table with the Coach and Scott. I set off some fireworks to make them go away, and the reaction from coach, was, well… a picture is worth a thousand words. I think Manthing secretly got annoyed that I couldn’t stop laughing for about five minutes straight. I was laughing so hard that no sound was coming out at one point.
I am looking forward to playing more of this with Manthing on date night tomorrow, and maybe hopefully some more this weekend. I also plan to play some myself once I’m done with a big project milestone for day job this week. That’s my motivation: dating Monsters.
For the first time in my life, I have a TBR list. When I was younger and reading voraciously, I would just pick up books that I enjoyed the cover of, and worked my way through the public library that way. I didn’t particularly have a list, per se, unless it was the “summer reading list” that seems to be a common thing for US-based schools.
It is strange, in a way, to have a reading list for the first time in my life. I mean, I’d have piles of books that I “wanted to read”, but I never seemed to make my way through them as I lost my enjoyment and ability to read as I once had as a child. Which is a topic I have covered before, albeit briefly. There’s a lot of reasons I lost my passion for reading, though I don’t know that I want to drag them up, as I’m trying to heal and move forward. Regardless, it feels more right, now (than it has at any other point in my life) to have a list than just a pile of books.
I finally made myself a Goodreads account that I’ve been keeping up with (I had one or two others, but I can’t find the login information, plus I have folks I don’t converse with anymore on those and just didn’t want to deal with that possible drama) for the first time, and I’m enjoying myself. That’s where I’ve been keeping my TBR list, and it’s quite handy. But as folks (family, mainly) have heard I’ve been reading more, they’ve been suggesting books I “should” be reading. You know, all those classics and the like. My thoughts on that are summed up quite well by this image.
Starting with a favorite book and working my way through the sequels has helped tremendously with getting back into reading, and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one doing this. Tessa has mentioned using this method as a way to read more. She also mentions reading before bed, which is a habit I’m trying to get into as well. If I can get off the computer between 11-1130 at night, it only takes me 10-15 minutes to complete my bedtime routine (depending how long the dog takes to pee before I tuck her in), and I can read for at least a solid half hour, if not a full hour every night. Of course, some nights I don’t succeed and just fall into bed, but the point is that I’m making an effort each night.
To Kindle or Not to Kindle
As I begin to look at my TBR, and the number of books I don’t own, I wonder if I should start using my Kindle Fire 8 more. I’ve never been a big ebook person. Reading, to me, is much more enjoyable when I can feel the weight of the book, hear the sounds it makes as I turn pages, smell the pages… Yes, I may be a bit of a tactile reader and bibliophile. I recently Marie Kondo’d my books, though I didn’t fully follow her directions. While I was able to part with a significant number of books (specifically cook books, holy moly!), I kept some books that are on my TBR list. Marie Kondo’s method espouses getting rid of these books, because, in the end, will you ever truly read them?
That remains to be seen for me, but now that I’m getting back into reading, I highly believe I will. However, even after saying goodbye to many a book, I still don’t have all that much space for more in my apartment. Which is a problem when I have a list as long as I do to read.
I think once I finish my current series (I’m a quarter through the final book), I’m going to start picking up some of the paranormal romance on my TBR list, starting with some I have sitting on my shelf that I never completely read. I was actually inspired to this thought by Shadowz. She wrote a post about how she’s been reading more paranormal romance books, and it reminded me how many I have sitting on my bookshelf that are unread. It’s honestly one of my favorite genres. I can’t get into your typical harlequin romance books, but I love a good paranormal romance. I even enjoy a not-so-good paranormal romance. Her post also gave me a list of authors to add to my collection/TBR.
I’ve narrowed it down to three different series to start. The Shadow series by Erin Kellison, the Demonica series by Larissa Ione, or the Amoveo Legend series by Sara Humphreys. I’m thinking I’ll start with the Shadow series, as I’ve already read the first book in the series, and have the others readily available, sitting on my shelf. Waiting. Using more of the “I’ve read some of this so it’s comfortable and easier to get back into” method, as it were. It’s a toss up whether I’ll move into Demonica or Amoveo next, or move into a different series/genre altogether. That’s the beauty of the TBR, I guess.
It has been a crazy week emotionally, physically, and with work tasks. I had wanted to get this post out Monday, but it is now Friday, and I am just sitting down to write it. But that is life. I am at least writing, so there is that. I want to try to keep up with blogging much more than I have after every other blogging event. Especially since I’ve a lot of ideas right now, with posts planned out mostly through July at this point. Right now, I aim to try and put out five posts a week. Here’s my current plan.
Thursday/Friday/Saturday: Whatever I feel like writing
The “whatever” writing could be more evergreen prompts that I’ve (currently) already planned out, or it could be something spawned by a blog post I’ve read. In that case, the evergreen stuff will just get pushed out farther. Hence why it’s evergreen. We’ll see how this works out for me continuing through this summer. It’s nice to have ideas and even a little bit of energy to want to follow through on them for a change. Using a content calendar is helping quite a bit.
I spent a few hours relaxing with some Pocket Camp and Cook, Serve, Delicious this past weekend. I know, “relaxing” and “Cook, Serve, Delicious” don’t necessarily belong in the same sentence. But honestly, it’s just the right amount of anxious energy without being overwhelming. And if a stage gets overwhelming, I close it out, or I re-start it in Zen mode. For what it’s worth, I’ve been doing both resource and time management in my day-to-day life for as long as I can remember (thanks mental health!), so it’s not something that’s completely anxiety-inducing when I’ve been using it to help relieve my anxiety.
😟 I'm sorry you can't… Have you tried Pocket Camp? It's mobile so not even close to the real thing but maybe it'll scratch that itch? I hope you get to buy a Switch soon!
I also played some Pocket Camp before bed. I’ve been complaining on Twitter about there not being any Switch consoles available for sale. I know, I’m that weird kid that doesn’t have a Switch. I didn’t have the disposable income to pick one up on release, or even earlier this year. Of course I got a bonus check and started making more in adult work just before stay-at-home hit, so now that I have the income, there aren’t any to buy. So to try and scratch the ACNH itch, I picked up Pocket Camp. It’s cute. I enjoy it. But I’m not a big mobile game player to begin with, so I don’t know how much I play or keep up with it. I can barely keep up with Pokemon GO, and I haven’t touched Notice Me, Senpai (which I absolutely ADORE) in months.
I had a bit of a tough weekend this past weekend, and ended up tackling my anxiety with some online retail therapy. The last time I did this was in September 2016, and before that it had been years. It’s not a common occurrence, thankfully, but I still feel guilty about doing it whenever it happens. I ended up picking up a collar to go with my LARP costume, a new day collar (and a matching leash), some nail supplies (polish, oil, glass files), some pre-recorded Burlesque classes for the month of May, and a tarot reading from a fellow adult worker I very much look up to as a role model and inspiration.
Just did a beautiful Tarot Reading for @Chestnut_Foxx and we were both crying. OMG!
— DestinyDiaz *NOW ON ONLYFANS* (@DDestiny_Diaz) May 12, 2020
Her reading really hit me in the gut at the start of the week and it’s been percolating at the back of my mind. I’m hoping to have some time this weekend to truly process it the way I want to, and give her more detailed thoughts and feedback about it other than the both of us crying over it because it was so powerful.
I seem to identify with a lot of Krikket’s posts, as today’s topic is once again spurred by her own thoughts. A lot of times I put things on Twitter, but never think to make a blog post about it, so I’m taking that as an extra lesson learned for Blapril. Krikket’s post covered how she’s struggling with her outdated computer, and I’ve had much the same musings recently.
My computer is making weird noises. I mean, outside of the hard drives (1 year old), and the graphics card (5 years old), everything else is at least 8 years old by now, possibly 9.
I got this computer not too long after I started dating my ex-husband. Our Christmas gift that year from my parents was $500 each, so we both purchased computers with it and some of our own money. For what it’s worth, this computer has lasted me a very long time, even if I’ve had struggles with it. But it’s time for a new one.
I’ve been saving up to go to an expo in October for my side business, but I don’t think that will reasonably happen with the world state right now. Instead, I think that I will be using that money to update and replace my computer. I think it can hold out that long. I hope, anyway. I’m not having a lot of the issues that Krikket is, but it does like to make weird noises, even after a dusting and rearranging of cords.
I figure once I’ve the money saved up I’ll poke my polycule to help me choose components and put it together. I may even look at investing in an LED tower case for the first time ever. I know I won’t need to replace the hard drives, which is a nice change of pace (considering how often I’ve had hard drives crash on me…), though I may pick up a secondary SSD for all my other games, and leave my HDD for just data.
I know I’ll need to replace the nuts and bolts (mobo and such), but I’m hoping I may be able to purchase a used graphics card from my polycule, and pay them to help me put it all together. Regardless, it’s still a few months until I’ve the money saved up, so I’m crossing my fingers it all works out. And knocking on wood.
This is post 30/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
Last night, Manthing and I ended up watching the four episodes of What We Do in the Shadows that are currently on Hulu. He’s been sweet and waiting for me so we could watch them together. I absolutely adore this show. The movie that spawned the TV show is in my top five favorite movies ever, and the TV show continues on the amazingness. Nadja is exquisite as always, and I now need a bazillion reaction gifs that are just her. I mean. She has the best reactions. She did in season one as well, but they’ve just gotten better in season two. Guillermo has great reaction faces too, though. I’m loving his character development so far, and I’m interested to see how things go now that he’s joined his club.
I haven’t had a lot of time to game recently due to a ramp-up of some projects at work, but I did look at some of the games in the Indie MegaBooth Sale (thanks to Krikket for pointing it out like she did for LudoNarraCon!). I already had some of the games in my library (Mini Metro, World Next Door, Always Sometimes Monsters, Monster Prom, Ladykiller in a Bind, Elsinore, Hot Tin Roof, and Tower of Guns). Though I’m honestly confused why I have the last two. I probably redeemed them from a Humble Bundle without looking at them.
I already had two on my wishlist (Coffee Talk, and Interrogation). But I added quite a few more to my wishlist, mainly because they didn’t meet my self-imposed purchasing-during-sales rules. I ended up adding: Astrologaster, Headliner: NoviNews, Sigma Theory, A Case of Distrust, Half Past Fate, Jenny LeClue, Praey for the Gods, The Coma 2, and Cook Serve Delicious 3. I did end up picking up Cook Serve Delicious 2, though. I’m hoping to get in some play time with it this weekend.
I’m also currently eyeing the Play with Friends Humble bundle but I haven’t yet decided whether I want it or not. At this rate, I’ll probably end up skipping it and picking things I like in it separately.
This is post 29/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
It’s that time in Blaugust Blapril where we discuss anything we’ve possibly learned. According to Bel, this week’s focus is “Lessons Learned”.
The goal as always with Blaugust and now Blapril is to revitalize the blogging community and ignite those fires fresh for another year of posting. As such this is a marathon that we are running and not a sprint, so we continue forward a little bit into the next month for folks to have that cooldown lap and talk about the things that they learned during the month. This could be a discussion of your own personal journey, or focused on some of the things that you learned from the community. The idea being to keep it going just a little bit longer so that maybe the habit of posting regularly sticks.
First, I want to thank Bel for putting this together. I appreciate it so very much, even if I seem to fall into the void after almost every one. This time, though, in combination with antidepressants and being in a better place (even if only by a smidge) fiscally and physically, I’ll be sticking around, or at least that is my intention.
I wanted to take a look back at what I’ve discussed in prior years as lessons I’ve learned. Let’s begin by jumping back to 2015, and moving up from there.
Blaugust Conquerer (2015): This was back when I was over on Blogger, believe it or not. I pretty much just recapped the year and didn’t discuss what I may or may not have learned, but at the same time, earlier Blaugust events were a bit more challenge-based rather than the focus of continuing the trend of blogging.
Blaugust (2016): I participated in 2016, but didn’t have a post at the end of it. Mainly because my life was falling apart at the time, and I split with my ex-husband less than a month after August ended. So we’ll cut some slack, there.
Blaugust (2017): I didn’t participate at all this year, mainly because I was trying to piece my life back together. I’m a bit bummed that I didn’t post this year, because there’s huge gaps I’m missing in my own mind, and blog posts, regardless of what they’re about, seem to jigger my memory.
Blaugust 2018: Post Mortem: What did I learn in 2018? Well, some things I already knew about myself, but were very much brought into focus during the event.
Blaugust 2019 Postmortem: 2019 found me with similar conclusions as 2018, but also surprisingly some more than I initially thought I’d learned.
My thoughts for 2020 are pretty much the same as 2019.
Blogging every day is a valiant goal, but is not something I can manage full-time. I do plan to try to continue a three days per week schedule, but we shall see how that turns out as the months continue.
On the days I blogged, I was less likely to journal in my bujo (bullet journal). Which has kind of been a detriment to me this month with the way the world is right now. My mental health has suffered some from not having quality journaling and self-reflection time.
When life gets overwhelming, my content creation endeavors take a nose-dive. Ugh, I’m dragging myself. Because yes, this continues to be the case in all of my content creation endeavors, including adult work.
I miss creating content that is more in-depth rather than more personalized. While I didn’t write anything that was more in-depth during Blapril this year, I do still miss writing article-like content, and I have a bit planned as evergreen material in the coming months (book reviews, thoughts on gaming types and gamification, etc.). I’m also trying to figure out how to extend this to my sex blog to attempt even a two posts a week schedule.
Numbers seem to be more of a distraction than a help. This continues to be the case. I appreciate how much they help some folks, but I very much scroll past that kind of chat in both Discord, and when it shows up in blog posts. This is not to say that folks aren’t allowed to post it, or should stop. It’s more my own self-worth and depression screwing with me if I focus on that stuff. So I politely scroll past and congratulate folks on their success.
Content Calendar is QUEEN. I am not sure why I held out on using one for so long. A huge shout out to Tessa for helping me to see the light! The content calendar has helped me so much in both catching up on posts and getting ahead on posts. It’s also helped me to better see what kind of drafts I have available to write, and what evergreen topics I can pre-schedule and move around. I’m a very visual person with certain things, and being able to see my month of blogs at a glance, but know that I still have the opportunity to respond to things going around the blogosphere, or tackle things I may have experienced while nerding, and move out previously-scheduled posts has helped me so very much in renewing my enjoyment for writing, and has even sparked some inspiration.
This is post 26/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
We’re almost at the end of Blapril! We’ve hit Staying Motivated Week, and next week is the final Blapril week where we discuss lessons learned. Bel outlines Staying Motivated Week as follows.
Towards the end of the proceedings we start to have a drop off in post frequency as folks hit their writing wall. The idea behind this week is to share the tips and tricks that we have learned throughout the years on how exactly to stay motivated and keep posting on a daily basis. I feel like this is even more relevant this year since we are all going through massive disruptions to our usual schedules and having to deal with all sorts of external changes impacting our well being both physically and mentally.
I want to take this idea/prompt in a slightly different direction. Most of us know that after the challenge of Blapril, we probably won’t be continuing a daily posting schedule. But many of us will still want to feel productive, and churn out posts afterwards in some semblance of a schedule (whether that be once a week, thrice a week, or another idea that fits our daily lives). But I’ve seen an undertone of “lack” of productivity around the blogosphere the past week or so and I want to address it in the guise of staying motivated.
I’m running out of writing juices and I know I’m not the only one. Blogging every day is hard and if you dive in without building it up or preparing something, you’ll find yourself in a burnout. I’m not at that point yet, no burnout. I’m just tired.
This is an important point about too much “productivity”. Too much focus on being productive can leave you burnt out. This can happen in any area of our lives, so we need to also make time and space for ourselves to relax and enjoy what we’re doing. When something becomes too much of a job, or too much of a drain on our mental/physical resources, we will burn out, even if we feel we are being productive.
So please, think critically about how you want to continue blogging after Blapril is over. Don’t tell yourself being productive means continuing blogging daily if it will eventually lead to burn out. You may be better served by blogging less days per week and spending some more time gaming or reading.
Last week, both Kluwes and Krikket mentioned productivity in their posts in regards to gaming/blogging.
Kluwes discusses how they’ve been getting up earlier to coincide with their spouse’s new work schedule, and covers what they’ve been experimenting with to fill that time. After discussing how they have been using it to relax and game before work, they throw in the “productive” word.
Of course, it would be more productive to use that time for blogging…
Krikket spends time talking about how she’s reactivated her WoW account, and might take advantage of the Impressive Influence buff that’s currently running. But she also says,
Hopefully, it’ll come back to me sooner rather than later, and I won’t squander my token and a month’s worth of Impressive Influence chasing battle pets or conveniently forgetting to log in.
Both have at least alluded to not feeling productive in their relax/gaming time. And I very much want to counter that attitude. “But Chestnut, you yourself do gaming goals! Isn’t that about productivity?”
On the surface, sure, it may appear that it’s about being productive. But to me, it’s not about doing everything on the list with my free time to where I burn myself out. It’s more about helping to shape what I’m interested in completing or experiencing throughout the month. Plans change, and that’s okay.
So, as I said, I want to counter this attitude. I don’t want Kluwes or Krikket (or any other bloggers/gamers) to feel that they’ve “wasted” their time on pursuits that make them happy and bring them enjoyment. We don’t have to be productive 24/7. That’s a lie that corporate capitalism has fed us for a very long time.
And right now, we’re in a pretty messed up time that can make this lie of productivity sting even more. As the quote above states, “that world is gone now”. We are allowed to have fun pursuits. We can have ideas of what we want to do, but we need to learn not to beat ourselves up for not accomplishing those, or being productive. Enjoy your downtime for what it is.
This is post 20/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
I was reading Bel’s blog the other day, and a fairly personal piece of his strongly resonated with me. Especially this paragraph.
The thing is… I feel horrible for feeling horrible. My life is a freaking charmed existence because … my wife and I both have jobs that we can do remotely and stay safe and sheltered within our home. I am risking nothing while there are folks who are struggling to feed themselves, while we have stockpiles of food that we are slowly working our way through.
I resonated with this paragraph, and many following, because it details how I’ve been feeling as of late. I am blessed to have my day job. I am doubly blessed to work for a company that is actually making an effort to support its front-line essential employees, and not just its corporate ones.
But I am scared and anxious on so many levels. I fall under many levels of “high risk” according to the CDC, even excluding the (stupidly outdated yet still used because y’all hate fat folks) BMI risk (seriously though fuck y’alls fatphobia and “obese” folks being high risk for everything). And with news surfacing that even those with mild COVID symptoms may still be susceptible to severe stroke at a young age, I’m terrified for the friends and family I was only moderately worried about prior. I’m scared of living alone, because of what that might mean for me if I do get sick.
I’m worried about losing my job (nothing is ever fully safe, even if we’re super busy right now). I’m worried about the crash of the economy (though I don’t have any investments because: millenial). I’m worried about how the US government is (not) handling things and what it means long-term. I’m scared about the inevitable spike in cases as states (like my own) reopen earlier than they should. As stupid protests and rallies continue.
And on top of it all, I feel guilty for feeling this way. Because as Bel said, I’m not as bad off as many others who are jobless, homeless, etc. I know plenty of counselors who’ve said time and again on social media that we are going through a collective trauma, and that everyone is feeling it, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like I shouldn’t be. Because I’m better off than others. I guess I know what my next therapy appointment will be about, now!
This is post 17/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.