September and October ended up being a bit of a… rough few months this year, much like it was last year. So I haven’t done much gaming for a plethora of reasons, including but not limited to depression, emergency pet health, and my own physical health. As such, I didn’t particularly meet many of my September goals between the two months.
Hit CP 150 on Warden (ESO) – As of the end of October, I’m at 190 CP. Which is probably much slower going than many other folks I know, but I’m surprised I’ve gotten this far with as casually as I’ve been playing.
Ding level 50 on Conjurer (FFXIV) – For now I’ve cancelled my FFXIV subscription. I logged in twice over the course of September, and not at all during October. I very much want to get back to it, but do not have the mental capacity to handle more than one game right now.
Finish Auridon (ESO) – I surprisingly managed to complete this at the start of October. Grahtwood is another story, however.
Finish Grahtwood (ESO) – I am nowhere near finishing this. I have barely started it due to not having the capacity to do so. Depression is a bitch.
Finish City of the Sun God (SWL) – Once again, I am nowhere near finishing this. I haven’t logged into the game in almost two months.
Finish side missions in Blue Mountains (SWL) – I think I’ve finished this one? I’d have to log in to check, so we’ll leave it as unfinished for now.
Finish next route in Sweet Fuse (Otome) – I didn’t even open my Vita case the past two months.
Figure out a game for #SportSeptember and play it (Community Game-Along) – Again, with a lack of energy to be able to handle even the games I want to play, I did not make it to the Community Game-Along.
Setting up goals as a more focused month-based list rather than, “here’s what I wanna do soon!” has definintely made a difference in how I use my playtime, or how I decide not to game at all. And I think it helped a lot with the way work has been, and looks to be continuing for the remainder of 2019.
Complete Vvardenfell Master Angler (ESO) – I had intentions to finish this, but then dinged 50 and got caught up in quests and CP.
Ding 42 on Warden (ESO) – I surpassed this! I hit 50! Once I hit 40, I got into the “OMG I’M SO CLOSE MUST DING” mindset, which helped.
Hit Revered with The Unshackled (WoW) – About freaking time. UGH. I hate Nazjatar with a passion.
Hit Revered with Rustbolt Resistance (WoW) – I’m super close. I should hopefully have it in another day (possibly two if things don’t go my way after daily reset).
Ding level 30 on Conjurer (FFXIV) – I didn’t even think I’d hit 30, but I ended up dinging 35!
Start re-watching MSQ cutscenes (FFXIV) – I didn’t do any of this, because I mainly logged in for roulettes. I figure once I hit 50, I’ll re-watch them to continue where I’d left off before quitting.
Finish a play though of Detroit: Become Human (PS4) – I honestly didn’t touch my PS4 at all for the month, except to watch Detective Pikachu.
I originally put together a list in 2015 of what I wanted to pursue in FFXIV, but the game has changed so much (no more cross-classing, new jobs) that I wanted to do an update to streamline the list for what I hope to get done in the next six months. That, and plan out what I wanted to do as I dive back into the game since life circumstances have changed a bunch since last playing, too.
I’ve decided to change from maining a Warrior to maining White Mage (though I’m still a Conjurer), especially for the instant queues, but I plan to switch between White Mage and Dancer when I’m able to pick it up. I’m thinking I can do questing as a Dancer, and queues as White Mage.
I’m not sure I’ll get to everything on the list in six months, but it doesn’t hurt to set up an idea of a progression path.
This past week was “Get to Know You” week for Blaugust. Bel’s description proposed,
“Tell us about you and your preferences as a gamer or whatever it is you happen to like doing. This is the time to dip into the well of stories and tell us something interesting that has either happened to you or something about your specific footing in your real or digital life.”
I’m a fairly open book both here on the blog and even moreso on Twitter. So it’s been difficult (not including the depression) to suss out a topic to write for the week. I don’t mind questionnaires, and I know I have another one I’m tagged in by Bel that I have yet to answer, but that didn’t feel fully “right” as a way to talk about myself.
Honestly, I didn’t think I’d have a post for the theme until I was logging off FFXIV and crawling into bed last night. And then it hit me: talk about healing through, well, healing.
A Short History
CW:This section includes brief mention of abuse.
If you’ve been following me on Twitter for a while (even from before I moved Twitter accounts), or have stumbled upon old blog posts, you probably know that I was married, and divorced. I moved down to Georgia in my early 20s for grad school (I’m looking at you, Great Recession) because I couldn’t find a job teaching. In my first year here I ended up meeting a guy, and falling for him.
I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty details. It follows a somewhat predictable story. After three and a half years of dating, we got married. And about three and a half years later, we separated at my request. Seven months later it was an official divorce. That’s the part most folks know. The part they don’t is that he was abusive.
It’s not easy to see in the moment when you’re being abused. It’s definitely something that you deny, and make excuses for. It’s something that people don’t believe because the abuser is so charming. I was lucky that I was able to recognize and rationalize what was happening to me when he was away on a work trip. I was lucky that I was able to get out the first time I said I was going to leave.
Healing Through Healing
There’s little things people take for granted doing with a partner—watching movies together, going to events together, hanging out with mutual friends together, gaming together—you get the idea. The one that’s hit me the hardest is the number of hours we gamed together.
I still can’t bring myself to log into my old WoW main, for instance, for more than a half hour tops. Enough to do whatever the current event tokens are if I qualify at level. Spending more time on her causes panic attacks because of the memories attached to her that are still so strong.
Final Fantasy XIV was another one. We spent many hours together leveling on our characters on Cactuar. I would tank, he would heal, and two of our mutual friends would dps.
When I decided I wanted to go back to FFXIV to give it another try back in April, I waffled about rolling a new character or going back to the one I’d spent so much time on with him. At the time, I decided to roll a new character. But in the two months I had an active subscription, I didn’t play her much. I had difficulty getting into her, and starting over when my main was sitting there.
I tried logging in once to my main and couldn’t do it. A panic attack ensued and I decided to cancel my subscription, writing it off to, “just not into it right now!”. But as I’ve been playing more ESO, I’ve felt the call for more fantasy gaming, and meandered back to FFXIV, again. I decided to just bite the bullet and play my old main, come July. I only logged in once or twice. Enough to decide on playing CNJ/WHM as my new main class (until I can get Dancer, of course), and get her gear set up.
It wasn’t until the past two weeks that I really dove in head first. It started with feeling bored with any game I opened. So I opened FFXIV. And all I did was one dungeon roulette. But it felt… okay. I couldn’t manage more than that. I could feel a panic attack coming on. But I’d had so much fun in that fifteen minutes I spent in that dungeon. So I logged in again the next night. And the night after that. Playing a bit more every time. Five minutes extra here. Five more there.
And I realized, last night, after I spent almost two hours in game after only, “logging on for a little bit”, that spending the time healing in roulettes was a way of confronting a lot of my fears and triggers and pushing through them… whether that makes sense to anybody but me is another story.
There’s still a lot more healing I need to do for myself. And some might argue some wounds will never fully heal, but bit by bit, reclaiming my character and having her heal her way through leveling has given me a chance to heal IRL a little bit as well.
Gaming goals used to be something I posted monthly, but fell off at the end of 2018 with them due to, well, life. I figured I’d try to get back into them in some way or another, and Blaugust is a good opportunity to tackle that, especially as day job calms down a little bit with some reorg that’s happened recently, leaving me with some time for gaming that I haven’t truly had in quite a while.
I used to do goals as more of a running list of, “here’s things I want to accomplish, just maybe not necessarily this month!”. I kind of want to change that outlook, and make my lists a little more focused and truly month-based. So I plan to give it a try this month and see how it works out. Can I be more realistic about my goals? We shall see!
And the follow up on my E3 thoughts! You can read the first part here, which covers EA, Microsoft, and Bethesda.
Watch Dogs: Legion: Initial reaction – Oh yay, another bunch of dudes in a resistance cell in a dystopian future. Secondary reaction – GRANNY HACKER FOR THE WIN. Okay, I’m intrigued. This looks fun, and is story-driven the way I like. Also enjoyed the music. Never gotten into the IP, but this might be the tipping point for me to pick up the others to give them a whirl if I really enjoy this one. Really love the concept of how EVERY character has a story, so the replay value goes up a BUNCH. Especially if they all have unique missions to recruit them. Also speaks to my penchant for collection.
Mythic Quest: Raven’s Banquet: Meh. Okay, so long as it’s not anything like Always Sunny, I might watch it on a friend’s AppleTV?
Rainbow Six Siege: I don’t play just plain shooters. And meh, Tom Clancy.
Brawlhalla Adventure Time Crossover: Never seen Adventure Time, and I don’t do fighting games, typically. I mean, I’ve played Smash Bros, but not a big fan of it.
Ghost Recon Breakpoint: Nah thanks. (PUPPER! OMG Bam bam is adorable. So well behaved.)
Elite Sqaud: Nope.
Just Dance 2020: I’ve never played a Just Dance game before. I assume it’d be something up my alley since I loved DDR, but at the same time, not so sure.
For Honor: Shadows of the Hitokiri: Nah.
Rainbow Six Quarantine: Nope.
Division 2: Yeah, not a shooter fan.
UPlay+: Not interested.
Roller Champions: The trailer was cute, but not interested in it.
Gods & Monsters: I like the concept, but don’t know if it’s something I’d play.
FFXIV Remake: I’m sure I’ll play it eventually. But it doesn’t have the same symbolic importance to me that it does for others who played the original when they were younger.
Life is Strange 2: That reminds me i need to finish the others so I can get this. Because I’m looking forward to it. I love games that focus on storytelling.
FF Crystal Chronicles: No particular interest. I’m not a die hard FF fan like so many other gamers.
Octopath Traveler: Hasn’t it been out on Switch for a while? Oh, it’s on Steam now? Is that what the announcement was?
The Last Remnant Remastered: I don’t have a Switch. And I’m not particularly pumped by the trailer.
Dragon Quest Builders 2: No interest.
Dragon Quest XI Definitive Edition: No interest.
Circuit Superstars: No interest, but looks cute.
Batallion 1944: Shooters aren’t my thing.
FF Soundtracks: I’ll listen to them, they’re gorgeous music. Nice to have it on Spotify.
KH3 Re-Mind DLC: I’ve never really gotten into the KH games, and I don’t know why, considering how much I like Disney things.
FFXIV Shadowbringers: I’m glad so many people are so excited, but like, I still haven’t gotten past the base game.
Dying Light 2: See Microsoft/XBox.
Saga Games: No particular interest.
FFBE War of the Visions: Not interested.
Outriders: Don’t do shooters.
Oninaki: Not interested.
FFVIII Remastered: Like I said with VII, I don’t hold the same attachment to FF games that most other gamers do. So I don’t particularly have an interest until I decide to get into the IP outside of XIV/XV.
Marvel Avengers: Meh. As much as I’ve enjoyed the movie as a very long and involved story, and as much as I’ll continue to watch the movies, I really don’t particularly care for most superheroes.
General Thoughts: The gag with Bowser at the start was actually really cute and made me happy.
Smash Bros x Dragon Quest: I don’t play brawlers.
Dragon Quest XI Definitive Edition: See Squenix.
Luigi’s Mansion 3: I thought I saw a trailer for this not too long ago? Regardless, I’m not interested.
Dark Crystal Age of Resistance Tactics: Not particularly my type of game, but would pick it up on sale to play eventually because it’s Dark Crystal.
Legend of Zelda Link’s Awakening: Like FF, Zelda isn’t an IP I got into when it came out. So I’m not particularly interested in the game. Though I’m excited for friends who are.
Trials of Mana: It looks cute, but don’t know if I’ll play it.
Collection of Mana: RPGs like that really haven’t been my thing outside of Pokemon and Golden Sun.
Witcher 3: I still haven’t played any of the others, and honestly, I’d rather play them on PC than Switch.
Fire Emblem Three Houses: I still need to play all the other Fire Emblem games. Which I think are up my alley because of the romancing options and the story.
Resident Evil: It’s not an IP I’ve really gotten into, per se, but I do enjoy watching others play it.
No More Heroes 3: Not interested.
Contra Rogue Corps: Not interested.
Daemon x Machina: Not interested. I mean, I don’t mind mecha stuff, but the game doesn’t look like my cup of tea.
Panzer Dragoon: Not interested.
Pokemon Sword/Shield: I kind of want a Switch for these, amongst a few other games currently out.
Astral Chain: Not particularly interested in playing, though the trailer/story is intriguing. Maybe something I’ll watch folks stream.
Empire of Sin: Mobster stuff isn’t something I’m interested in.
Ultimate Alliance 3: Not interested.
Cadence of Hyrule: Okay that looks cute, and Crypt of the Necrodancer is neat, so I could see myself playing this.
Mario & Sonic Olympic Games: I could see myself playing this with the polycule.
Animal Crossing New Horizons: It looks cute, but I’ve never gotten into Animal Crossing in general. I do like that Nintendo is willing to take time for games, though, even if a vocal minority is pissed.
Quick Reel: The Sinking City looks positively cosmic horror, and cosmic horror is one of my favorite genres thanks to Secret World. (I mean, I don’t mind Lovecraft, but folks have done it better since him.)
Smash Bros x Banjo-Kazooie: See Smash Bros x Dragon Quest.
The way I used to do these posts was as two separate entities—one post recapping how I did the prior month, and then a second post outlining my goals for the current month. Honestly, for sanity’s sake (and because I really don’t like having multiple small posts that are kinda pointless to anybody but me), I’m condensing them all to one post, now.
If you’d like a recap of what the specific goals were for August (which I carried into September due to a very stressful move), you can check them out here. I’m only going to discuss how I did meeting each section that I laid out.
So I learned the hard way that with the Double Agent and Quintessential Quintet achievements that they’d been changed in the pre-patch. So they’ll still stay on my list of “achievements to work on” but get moved around to a lower priority, I think. I also never got anywhere with obtaining flying in Draenor—life saw to that.
I also didn’t get any alts up to 110 except Macadamia whom I’m slowly working on leveling up as my second 120, pretty much solely for the fact that she can make bandaids and I need bandaids for mid-combat because I’m a warrior.
Because life was crazy and hectic and draining, I also never even logged into Secret World Legends, or touched an ARPG for August’s Community Game-Along, though I do still want to poke into some Diablo 3 for the first time*, and so maybe I can have a game to play with Manthing occasionally (y’know, we still haven’t gamed together… XD). I also never got to do anything for September’s Community Game-Along, but I didn’t really game much in September to begin with.
I also never logged into FFXIV. At this point, honestly, I’ve let my subscription lapse (partly because I haven’t had the time or energy to change my card information after having my bank account hacked on top of dealing with all the address and card changes from my move). I think I’ll pick it back up in December, but we’ll see. Also, a lot of those goals are moot because cross-classing is no longer a thing, I learned, thanks to Rakuno.
October Gaming Goals
Guys, it’s October. So what does that mean? HALLOWEEN EVENTS AND SPOOPY GAMES!! Though, I pretty much completed all the Halloween stuff in WoW last time around, so there’s not much spoopy MMO things to do. But that just means more time for spooky games on stream?
World of Warcraft
Disturbing the Peace achievement
Level Macadamia to 115
Level Chest-Dwarf to 112
Battle for Azeroth Pathfinder, Part One achievement
Explore Tiragarde Sound achievement
Explore Drustvar achievement
Revered with Champions of Azeroth reputation
Reach Exalted with one BfA reputation
Zandalari Blacksmithing 150
Zandalari Cooking 150
Zandalari Fishing 150
Finish side missions in Egypt in Secret World Legends
Like many other bloggers participating in Blaugust, I am one to set gaming goals. I won’t go into reasons why, at this particular moment, only because I was inspired by someone else who doesn’t do gaming goals to go into a deeper explanation on why I create them! This post is also a “get the post in for the day” type deal, as I’m having a low spoon day, and I had to do some apartment hunting on top of it.
For a bit of clarification (because it may seem like a lot of goals), when I set my goals, I don’t set them to necessarily be accomplished for the month. But more on that in the aforementioned post.
Both Rumorsmatrix and Stroeb recently talked about going fishing in WoW. Which made me get bitten by the fishing bug. But not in WoW (I have a lot of other achievements I’m focusing on than grinding out my fishing ones), in Final Fantasy. A while ago, when I streamed some FFXIV on Twitch, I told folks I was going to just level through ARC/BRD (currently at 24) to max and ignore FSH and go back to it later.
But after seeing those fishing blog posts, the fishing bug bit me bad, and I had to hop in and play some last night. I dug out the fishing leveling guide I was using a while ago, though I don’t know how accurate it is anymore? My old main never made it past the 30s in fishing, if I recall. I spent a good two hours just chilling in Limsa, using up all my rested EXP (woops), and getting to FSH 10. I’m looking forward to doing some more fishing.
A new week means a new stream schedule! Last week, my depression hit me hard, so I didn’t particularly do much gaming in general. Today doesn’t feel much better on that front, but I’m hoping it evens out a bit for the week.
Due to not being able to stream due to health, I never did my 100 follower giveaway. So I plan on doing that on Sunday the 22nd @ 4:30PM EST/8:30PM GMT while I stream some more Life is Strange! The giveaway is for a $10 USD steam code giveaway. If you’d like to participate, you must be following my Twitch page, and you must be in chat at the time to enter the raffle.
For a change up this week, I’m going to be doing a little bit of WoW to dive into some of the few final things I want to grind out before BfA (before I’m no longer eligible).
Thank you to everybody who supports my streams and content in general. I appreciate all of you for understanding health comes first, and sticking with me through that. Y’all are such awesome people.