CW: COVID talk
I was reading Bel’s blog the other day, and a fairly personal piece of his strongly resonated with me. Especially this paragraph.
The thing is… I feel horrible for feeling horrible. My life is a freaking charmed existence because … my wife and I both have jobs that we can do remotely and stay safe and sheltered within our home. I am risking nothing while there are folks who are struggling to feed themselves, while we have stockpiles of food that we are slowly working our way through.
I resonated with this paragraph, and many following, because it details how I’ve been feeling as of late. I am blessed to have my day job. I am doubly blessed to work for a company that is actually making an effort to support its front-line essential employees, and not just its corporate ones.
But I am scared and anxious on so many levels. I fall under many levels of “high risk” according to the CDC, even excluding the (stupidly outdated yet still used because y’all hate fat folks) BMI risk (seriously though fuck y’alls fatphobia and “obese” folks being high risk for everything). And with news surfacing that even those with mild COVID symptoms may still be susceptible to severe stroke at a young age, I’m terrified for the friends and family I was only moderately worried about prior. I’m scared of living alone, because of what that might mean for me if I do get sick.
I’m worried about losing my job (nothing is ever fully safe, even if we’re super busy right now). I’m worried about the crash of the economy (though I don’t have any investments because: millenial). I’m worried about how the US government is (not) handling things and what it means long-term. I’m scared about the inevitable spike in cases as states (like my own) reopen earlier than they should. As stupid protests and rallies continue.
And on top of it all, I feel guilty for feeling this way. Because as Bel said, I’m not as bad off as many others who are jobless, homeless, etc. I know plenty of counselors who’ve said time and again on social media that we are going through a collective trauma, and that everyone is feeling it, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like I shouldn’t be. Because I’m better off than others. I guess I know what my next therapy appointment will be about, now!