Just before this whole quarantine thing started, I found myself needing to find little comforts for myself. I eventually settled on, well, stickers! I have a thing for stickers, and I don’t know why. I love both practical to-do/journal stickers, and I love decorative stickers. So I decided to splurge and pick up a monthly sticker subscription over on StickiiClub (I did not include my referral link as it includes real names, unfortunately). It’s only $10USD sans shipping, and they’ve three different styles to choose from every month. You can change which style you want monthly, or you can pick up multiple per month (for an extra $10 per pack).
For March I ended up getting the Retro pack (mini-spoiler pictured above), and for April I got the cute pack. I’m waiting for them to release the mini-spoilers in the coming days so I can decide what I’m going to pick up for May!
I really have enjoyed stickers for a very long time, and getting these stickers in the mail just makes me so very happy, and I look forward to getting them every month. It’s also given me space to try and be a little more creative in both my bullet journal and my planner.
Right after quarantine started, my polycule linked some Pokemon coloring pages in our group chat. They were kind enough to print some off for me (I’ve no working printer of my own, right now, though will need to eventually invest in one), and we did an “outside the door” exchange, where I dropped off some masks my mother had made for them, and some banana bread I had made, and picked up the printed pages they left outside for me. Manthing also colored a Pikachu one for me as an “I miss you gift” which was super fucking adorable and sweet, and I’ve got it hanging up on a board by my computer. I’ve yet to finish any myself, but have been enjoying a few minutes here and there opening up my new colored pencil set and just zoning out as I color. It has helped a bunch with my anxiety over the state of things.
This is post 11/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
Seriously Geeky Sundays is a new weekly blogging prompt put together by Heather of Just Geeking By. The idea is to answer some questions about various topics. The nice thing is that she gives you all of the prompts for a month up front so you can decide if you’d like to participate in particular ones, or go ahead and start scheduling posts for Sundays to answer the questions.
Kings and Queens
I think this set of questions are going to be difficult for me to complete because I don’t consume a lot of media with royalty in it, but I’m going to try!
Who is your favorite female royal character?
So figuring out the answer to this one took me longer than I wanted to. I had to eventually settle on Queen Nehelenia. Don’t get me wrong—I love me some Neo Queen Serenity, but I always loved the villains in Sailor Moon more than the main cast. To the point of making a Geocities fan-site dedicated just to all of the villains, including the single-episode monsters of the week. Yes, seriously. I think it was the goth-aesthetic that they all presented that captured me more than the story of them. I would have chosen Wicked Lady for this question, but I don’t think that she was technically classified as royalty, even if Chibi-Usa technically is. While I enjoy the Black Moon Family arc, Queen Beryl was never as interesting to me as Queen Nehelenia. Honestly, the whole Dark Moon Circus arc was more interesting in general.
Who is your favorite male royal character?
Mmf, there was some serious lusting after Prince Diamond as a young girl. Earrings, white hair… Needless to say, this line just got better with age.
Who is your favorite royal couple?
I thought long and hard about this one. It was a tough call. Do I choose more Sailor Moon characters? Do I partake of another fandom? I ended up deciding to mention another fandom. While the movie is nothing like the book, I have a soft spot for Stardust. It’s one of my go-to movies when I’m feeling down, and I need something to cheer me up. So my favorite royal couple is actually Tristan and Yvaine. (Plus Charlie Cox, I mean…)
What is your favorite story line involving a royal character?
This was another tough one, but I decided on one of my favorite book chronicles. The Hythrun Chronicles by Jennifer Fallon. The Wolfblade trilogy within the Hythrun Chronicles has some of my favorite characters, and Marla is a pretty intense character that I can’t get enough of. I should add all of those books to my reading list and pick them up again, soon.
If you could live in any fictional royal residence, which one would it be?
I honestly have never thought about living in a royal residence. Any time I think about living in a fictional residence, it’s always some witchy cottage filled with plants and cats. So I sadly have no answer to this question.
The main character of the last fandom you experienced just became King/Queen of their universe; how do they react?
Oh goodness. I most recently watched some Stargate: Atlantis, which happens to be an ensemble cast. So there’s no true main character in the series. Besides, nobody can beat Harry Maybourne as a king. And the one and only time I’ve seen Wayne Brady not be the one making jokes.
This is post 10/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
Once again, I am behind on blogging awards. I was tagged by Solarayo of Ace Asunder for the Real Neat Blogger Award, and before I could get to answering it, Naithan of Time to Loot tagged me in his combination Real Neat Blogger/Versatile Blogger award. I am going to tackle all of the questions in this post. As I mentioned in my last award post, I’m not going to bother tagging anybody as most folks have already been tagged for this. If you haven’t, and you would like to complete this, please feel free to grab either of the question sets, or both!
I’ve yoinked the rules from Naithin’s post.
Thank the person who tagged you for the award.
Answer the seven questions set out by your nominator.
Tell everyone seven things about yourself—you can spread them between answering the questions!
(Optional) Write another seven questions to ask the people you tag.
(Optional) Tag seven people to carry forward the Real Neat Versatile Blog Award and answer your questions while revealing seven facts about themselves.
I am going to opt out of the optional steps. Thank you both to Solarayo and Naithin for tagging me. I’m looking forward to answering all these questions! The facts are going to be difficult, though. Anyways, let’s get to it!
Do you ever listen to video game soundtracks outside of gaming sessions? If so, which ones?
I do on occasion! Typically if I do, it’s the WildStar soundtrack (bless Jeff Kurtenacker). Though I’ve listened to a bit of League music of late which I’m enjoying, even if I will never play the game.
What’s a game that you loved growing up, but find it harder to enjoy now, whether due to a change in tastes or now-outdated mechanics/graphics?
Which game console do you feel has the greatest library of titles to choose from?
I’m honestly not a huge console person because I’m very set in what type of games I like to play. And these games are typically only found on PC, Vita, and possibly Switch.
Name a video game character that has made a positive impact in your life?
Heck if I know, to be perfectly honest. While there’s games I love, and characters I enjoy, I don’t know that I’ve yet found one that has impacted me so profoundly. My measurement for this is my love of Wicked Lady, so there may need to be a grain of salt taken for this question.
If you could sit down to a conversation with any fictional character (book, movie, or game) who would it be and where would this conversation occur?
Again, I’m not quite sure. I’ve been so out of touch with media consumption for so long outside of a few things I’d binge (e.g.: West Wing) in my depression, that I don’t have a clear choice for this question.
If you could travel to any video game location for a hard-earned vacation, where would you go?
Quarantine Question: What’s your go-to movie or tv show?
When in my deepest depression, it was most recently West Wing. As for quarantine, I’ve been trying to make my way through Stargate and Star Wars: Clone Wars.
Naithan got creative and delved fairly deep into his facts, but I’m going to just give y’all a sentence or two. No paragraphs from me this time. I know, you’re devastated.
I adore Sailor Moon and caticorns.
I have plans for 33 more tattoos and counting.
My eyebrows are actually a semi-permanent cosmetic tattoo. Due to various health issues, I haven’t had eyebrows (except some sparse hairs on occasion) since I was about 12.
I have three cats and a dog, but if I had it my way, I’d have many more cats. Despite allergies.
If you were to start another blog, or branch off your current blog into a whole new direction, what would it be about?
I actually have another blog. Technically it’s the website for my adult content, but I also am ramping up some adult blogging over there. I’m looking forward to finally getting through some of my NSFW games and being able to write about them over there and upload any videos to PH.
What mix of mechanics or genres would form your absolute dream game?
I’m not sure how to answer this, as I’ve not thought much about it. As a whole, I very much enjoy otome/dating sims/visual novels as they are, so I’m not sure what would possibly make them better, or what I’d change to create a “dream game”, except maybe adding in Sailor Moon characters.
What thing (game, book, movie, anything) have you experienced recently, thinking it should be right up your alley—only to find it very much was not?
I hate sounding like a broken record, but I’ve only recently begun getting back into media of all sorts after going on antidepressants back in November, and I’ve yet to run into this scenario.
The opposite! Have you been convinced to try anything you thought you wouldn’t enjoy, only to discover you very much loved it after all? What was it?
See above answer.
What new thing do you most want to achieve with your blog this year?
I would like to get into an actual posting schedule, and start getting content ready ahead of time. To be fair, I’m trying to work on consistency and pre-planning all around so that I can help myself better weather the more difficult depression days (they still happen, even on meds, though not like they were), especially with the way the world is right now.
What’s on your wishlist that you most want to buy, but for whatever reason you haven’t yet pulled the trigger on purchasing yet?
Right now it’s Volume 3 of Mirka Andolfo’s Unnatural. I haven’t pulled the trigger on purchasing it yet, as I’ve yet to finish Volume 1 (I’ll probably need to restart it), and I haven’t even begun Volume 2 (a birthday present from Manthing last year… he knows me so well!). Maybe I’ll make that the next comic series I’ll read after I catch up on Sunstone (which I still need to purchase Volume 6, which is next on the wishlist). Yes, I know Sunstone is available on either Patreon/Deviantart, but I prefer to read the volumes when they come out.
When this whole lockdown thing is over; and the shops/services currently closed reopen, what is the first thing you’ll visit/do?
I NEED A PEDICURE SO BADLY OH MY GAWD.
This is post 9/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
There’s a few blogging awards (chain letters, essentially) going around the blogosphere right now. I’ve been off my game a bit, so I’m delayed in responding to these, but I figured since it’s the end of getting to know you week that I’d put the time in to finish the ones I’ve been tagged in.
The first one I was tagged in was the Blogger Recognition Award. The lovely Krikket over at Nerd Girl Thoughts tagged me in this one back at the beginning of the month.
Thank the person who nominated you and leave a link back to their blog.
Explain your blog’s origin story or its history.
Hand out two or more pieces of advice for new bloggers.
Nominate other bloggers and hook us up with links to their blogs.
Well, I’ve already tagged Krikket, so check! Thank you for tagging me, lovely! Since I’m late to the party on answering, and since there’s another award going around, I’ve decided not to nominate any other bloggers, but offer it as open to any Blapril folks that have yet to participate and would like to use it as a prompt.
Back in February 2010, just before I met my ex-husband, I decided that I wanted to try and blog. In one of the few therapy sessions I’d had free in college, my therapist suggested journaling. And not just personal journaling, but journaling other endeavors. I’ve been a writer since a young age (I still have many of the stories I’ve half-written from that time, and maybe one day I’ll start writing them again and make a Patreon out of it), and it made sense to try the blogging thing. I’d also started trying to do a food blog in 2009 that never went very far, because it never felt like it was something I was passionate about. Though I’m sure my disordered eating had a lot to do with that at the time.
Regardless, writing about my gaming life felt like something that could both help my mental health, and provide an outlet for me to continue writing and being creative. I think it’s mostly succeeded on both fronts!
I’m also supposed to provide one or two snippets of advice for new bloggers. To be honest, I’m mostly adviced out (I’m deeming that a word; adviced). So I’m going to cheat a bit and link back to advice I’ve provided for Blapril. I wish I’d done this one during advice week. Then I wouldn’t be copping out like this.
Real Talk for Blapril – All of the advice that I’ve given in past Blaugust events in one place, along with a new tidbit for Blapril.
This is post 8/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
Things went a little sideways for me on Friday, and the mood carried into this week. It was a struggle to get the motivation to do much, but I’m finally back to some semblance of normalcy today.
I spent most of the weekend trying to distract myself. I finally put together a new bed frame I’d ordered, though it was a struggle to do it alone, especially since a piece or two got warped weirdly in transit to me. Not enough to warrant needing to get a new one, but enough to make things complicated, and make me cry in aggravation. I also spent a little bit of time futzing about, trying to konmari some more.
My apartment is in that odd state of, things are cleaner and tidier and less cluttered but everything is a mess. I figure it will stay that way for a little bit until I can get to a point where I can find somewhere to drop off all the donations of items that need to be removed from my apartment. The places I typically bring donations for the homeless are closed due to the current environment, and I’ve yet to find a drop location that isn’t Salvation Army.
Diablo-ing We Go
I haven’t written about Diablo at all yet because… *gestures at everything* But Manthing was very sweet this past weekend, and put aside some extra time to help distract me with some Diablo. We’ve started playing Diablo III on date nights, and I’m very much enjoying it. We’ve encountered the Developer level and the Pony level in random Rifts, which has been fun!
I don’t think I would play Diablo on my own (I will probably never play through the story, sorry), but I’ve very much been enjoying it as a game to play as a duo. Gaming with someone and just talking about everything and nothing is something I’ve sorely missed. I haven’t really had that since WildStar, so it’s been a few years. As of now, we’re almost level 70, and have completed most of the second and third tiers of Season 20.
I also spent some time finishing out season nine of Stargate SG-1 this past weekend, and diving into Stargate Atlantis season two. To be fair, I’ve actually been following a chronology list I found on the Stargate reddit, so I finished a little more than just season nine of Stargate.
Watching the two-parter “The Fourth Horseman” was a bit odd with all that is currently going on in the world. The premise of the episode is that the big baddies of the season set a plague on Earth that is like a type of flu. It felt unrealistic to me. Not in the sense that it’s obviously fiction and it’s an alien-created illness. But in the ways that they described and showed the public’s reaction to the pandemic the illness caused. It was too smart compared to what we’re going through, and due to that, it felt completely off.
I didn’t think I was going to enjoy the introduction of the Ori, after eight seasons of the Goa’uld. But the plot is growing on me. Plus, I’m very excited that Vala has joined the cast full-time, and I’ve been told that Morena Baccarin shows up in season ten as well, which I am greatly looking forward to. I have assumptions on the character she plays, but I’ve been trying not to spoil myself.
This is post 7/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
I haven’t updated my site in a very long time, and I’m feeling the itch to tweak it some. I’m considering picking up Yoast SEO (since I use it for my business blog/site), fiddling with my header, and changing up my color scheme a little bit. I’m fairly content with the layout itself, but just feel that it needs a bit of an update. I won’t be rebranding, even though my Twitter and Youtube differ a bit.
Rebranding is far too much work, and I’ve been Gamer Girl Confessions since I first started. It’s not the end of the world if my YouTube and Twitter don’t completely match my blog. I know some people would say it is, but this blogging and YouTube endeavor is not something that I’m doing expressly to make money. If that happens, cool. But both are an outlet for me to work my way through content I am interested in, but may not otherwise explore.
I typically only get to see Manthing once a week as we’re both busy, but since quarantine has essentially been enacted, the lack of weekly physical human content has been difficult. While we chat daily, we greatly enjoy each other’s company, and being close is something sorely missed by both of us.
We’re trying to cope as best we can by trying out virtual date nights. Last week we tried out watching stuff on Amazon and Netflix because it was the easiest thing for both of us in the moment. We ended up finishing up Watakoi: Love is Hard for Otaku on Amazon Prime, which was super cute. We both love the opening theme, and have enjoyed digging into an anime that deals with being an adult. I personally need more anime like this, rather than high school slice-of-life stuff. We also watched Mask of Zorro on Netflix, which he had surprisingly never seen before. It was fun laughing at the perfect mix of slapstick with smart humor.
Tonight, we’re going to try Season 20 of Diablo 3. It will honestly be my first real time playing D3 outside of putzing around a bit by myself once or twice after my metamour gifted me an expansion. I’m not sure what I’ll roll yet, or what he has rolled, but I’ll be sure to recount how well it goes at some point.
This is post 6/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
Like many games bloggers out there, I’ve been noting my gaming goals for a while (I was surprised to see it went as far back as when I started this blog… so much has changed but some things remain, it seems). Then in August of last year I changed up the format of how I’d be doing them.
Normally I’d be keen to come up with some gaming goals. However, I’m not at a place where I’ve been doing a lot of gaming. And it’s been that way for a while. Which puts me at a loss to what I even want to tackle outside of a few select gaming things to ease me back into gaming for both fun and content creation.
April Nerding Goals
I decided to change it up—again. I’m going to start calling them Nerding Goals, and include other various geeky and nerdy pursuits, like visual and written media consumption.
Some of these goals may seem simple to you, but some link back to what Roger over at Contains Moderate Peril has deemed as “gaming amnesia“. Not just that, but depression screws with one’s memory, and I am at a disadvantage for picking up content I was in the middle of ages ago. The bright side of this being my brain is having an easier time remembering current media, so it should make things going forward a lot easier to come back to, and to complete.
Anyways, without further ado, here’s my list for April in no particular order.
Inventory Management (ESO)
Pick up the last items I need for learning crafting traits (ESO)
Figure out where I left off in questing (ESO)
Complete current event quest (ESO)
Start and complete Ace Attorney (Community Game-Along/Visual Novel)
Complete five of the six Sunstone Volumes currently available in book format (Comics)
Complete current route in Sweet Fuse (Otome)
Complete Song in the Silence (Reading)
Complete one of the two books I am reading for my business (Reading)
Complete Season 9 of Stargate SG-1
Complete Season 4 of Star Wars: Clone Wars
This is post 5/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
I’ve been an on-and-off participant (since 2016) of the Community Game-Along that Anne of Chic Pixel has hosted. While, admittedly, I haven’t picked up any games outside of ESO in a while (and honestly, even ESO has just been login rewards for over a month, though I’m hoping that will change soon), I was sad to not be able to find it on her blog this year when I looked in February.
Of course, like a newb, I didn’t even look at her old posts to check if she may have mentioned what was happening with it (spoiler alert: she did). So it wasn’t until a few days ago, thanks to Krikket, that I realized it is actually going on… it was just taken over by CapsuleJay and Nitro.
I’m super excited, actually. CapsuleJay is a pretty rad guy, and I know Nitro has been a participant for a while. So I’m sure once I get back into it, and actually look for related content, I’ll see more activity around it.
For those interested in participating, you can find the master list of topics, and more information on their new website!
Community Game-Along Plans
I’m sad I missed DatingSiMonth. Though, honestly, my life is spent in DatingSiMonth, what with the five million dating sims I own and need to play through (what can I say… I like the genre). I’m looking forward to trying out JRPGJuly. I’ve honestly never really played any big-name JRPGs (yes, I know it’s a sin), so I’m looking to try and dip my toes into that pond. I’m super excited about October (YAY HORROR GAMES!), and VNNovember. I mean, obviously VNNovember, with over 3/4 of my steam library being either dating sims or visual novels. The majority of my console games are also visual novels (all hail the Vita and PS4). And I’m not even including Detroit Become Human as a visual novel, though I very much want to (because it’s really just an Americanized take on the genre, really). I’m going to have to go through my games and start coming up with ideas of games I’m interested in tackling for each month.
This month, however, is CapcoMonth, where we play Capcom games! To be honest, I don’t own a lot of Capcom games. Many of them I have absolutely no interest in. Though I didn’t realize that Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney was a Capcom game until I started googling what game I might want to try out. So, I am finally going to try to complete Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, years after I initially purchased the game! And of course I still have my original first edition Nintendo DS (with a Sailor Moon skin) to play it on. I’m looking forward to it. Leave it to me to pick a Visual Novel to play on a month that’s not Visual Novel month.
This is post 4/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
In Part 1, I discussed the lead up to taking antidepressants for, essentially, the first time in my life. I don’t think this post will be nearly as long, because the form will be different, but I wanted to catalog some of the biggest things I noticed when I started taking antidepressants that I hadn’t read before, or heard anecdotally until I took them.
I started taking antidepressants for the first time just before Thanksgiving, and I have been trying to get back into the swing of things (content creation, gaming, reading, hobbies in general). I decided to finally take antidepressants because it felt so overwhelming to not be able to enjoy the things I used to—reading, watching new-to-me media, gaming…
I was only partially prepared for the side effects, however. I am not going to detail all of them. I am only going to bullet out the ones that caught me off guard. But if you’re interested in a recounting of everything I had to say about it, I have a fairly SFW thread on Twitter you can check out for all the thoughts I’ve had since starting medication.
I started antidepressants yesterday evening and did not sleep well despite being absolutely exhausted.
So I think I might need to take them in the mornings instead.
You’ll read that antidepressants can make you tired. What they don’t tell you is that they can also keep you awake. Of course, I fell into the category that was kept awake by them. Which, in the long run, has worked in my favor. I take my meds in the morning and I feel myself waking up about thirty minutes afterwards.
You’ll go through a phase of, “Is that a medication side effect, or is this just me?”. It may cause a lot of anxiety. Push through this.
You will question what it feels like to be neurotypical. Go with it. Note your questions. They’ll help you later on. Actually, just journal in general. It’s helpful during this time, both for you and your doctor.
When you eventually start to feel better, you’ll still struggle (at first) with getting back to things you enjoy. Take it in baby steps.
Don’t drink. Seriously. It screwed with me for days the one time I had a little bit of alcohol while out at AVNs. Just don’t do it.
Folks you’re close to will start to see a change before you will. And if they don’t know you very well, they may be confused with the change.
Taking antidepressants was a rough beginning, but now, most days, my depression is manageable. I’m finally feel like I am at a point where it’s mostly difficult to pinpoint how bad my depression used to be, which is a good thing. There are still some tough days, but they are not nearly as difficult as when I wasn’t taking medication—which is a very good thing!
This is post 3/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.
CW: Depression, anxiety, life trauma (though no specific details), implied suicide (briefly)
Some More Blapril Advice
Something that struck me, as I was about to sit down to write this post, is that it may come off as an apology for being gone, which I don’t want it to be. I want it to be more of a… recounting of what I’ve been going through to (1) get it off my chest, (2) provide assistance to those that may be in a similar situation, and (3) give me some content for the day. But it made me think of a final tidbit of advice, especially for those picking up serious content creation for the first time.
You don’t need to apologize for disappearing for a while. Some of us fall off the face of the earth in the blogosphere, and that’s okay. Honestly, creating apology posts time and time again makes it feel like blogging is more of a chore, rather than an outlet of your choosing. It’s something that most of us bloggers are guilty of doing, but it’s something that we should get away from. As a reader, most of us don’t care to read apologies—we’re still here, reading, so we just want to get into what you’ve been doing!
So don’t worry if this pace you take in Blapril is too much, and you disappear for a few months. When you come back, do so with a pace that works for you. Make sure that you enjoy what you’re doing, and keep with whatever schedule you decide to set for yourself!
Chronic Illness, Round Infinity, FIGHT!
I had mentioned in my initial I’m-participating-in-Blapril post that I’ve been on a hiatus of sorts, but I’m starting to feel better enough to carve time out for myself to get back to blogging. For those that don’t know (whether you’ve not read past blog posts where I mention it, or don’t follow me on Twitter), I suffer from some pretty intense depression and anxiety (among some other chronic illnesses), and I have as long as I can remember.
Most of my life has been caught up in the symptoms of depression, but I’ve never addressed it outside of a few free therapy sessions I got in college, and a few sessions with a therapist I didn’t particularly care for over ten years ago. I’ve been with my current therapist for about five years at this point (has it really been that long?), and she is a salve that I very much appreciate.
However, there’s only so much that therapy can do for someone that suffers from chemical imbalances (thanks, genetics!) in the brain. Therapy has done a great job in giving me coping mechanisms for my anxiety, but it never fully tackled that, or my depression. I’ve been in survival mode for so long in my life, that I’ve been scraping rock bottom and not even realizing it.
The catalyst moment, however, was when I went to go read a comic volume, and realized that a few pages in, I couldn’t remember what I had read the few pages previously. And I burst into tears.
Reading is something that I’ve loved doing since I was a kid. I used to devour hundreds of books a year, and was an avid visitor of my local library growing up. I would travel with a book and get so engrossed out at events that my parents would have to take my book away to get my attention and get me to participate (ugh, extroverts 😉 ). I stopped reading so much when I met my ex-husband, and never particularly got back into it because I couldn’t find the “time” (it was more that I was recovering from lots of trauma and just didn’t have the capacity along with the depression).
Anyways. Realizing that I was unable to do something that I adored was finally the straw on the camel’s back to get me to take antidepressants for (mostly) the first time in my life.
Antidepressants and Me
Growing up, my parents didn’t want to believe that I was suffering from depression, so I got very good at pretending to be normal. I think this is something that a lot of folks with depression get good at. It’s a coping mechanism that we develop fairly quickly, because nobody ever wants to hear about it (and then folks always say, “I never realized they were depressed!” when someone tries to leave this life because they can’t pretend anymore… but we’re straying from the topic at hand, no?).
I probably should have been on antidepressants at a young age, but it’s not something my parents wanted to entertain. Briefly, in the early 2010s I was on antidepressants for a month (given to my by my GP), but I don’t think they ever did anything, and I’m not sure why my GP decided to take me off of them after that month. Regardless, I was in an abusive relationship with someone who told me that my depression was all in my head (no pun intended). So I never did anything about it after that.
Fast forward to just before Thanksgiving, 2019. I had my first ever appointment with a psychiatrist, and I was terrified. There’s so many side-effects you read about with taking antidepressants, and I was so scared that I would experience all of them (especially loss of sex-drive—if you know anything about me, you know I’m a very lewd and sexual person, and I was terrified of losing that part of me). But I’d promised myself, my therapist, and Manthing that I’d go to the appointment and get a prescription, and take them. I don’t know how I made it to the appointment. I’m sure that knowing Manthing was going to go with me and wait for me just so I had some support was the biggest help.
So I started taking them. And it was a roller-coaster, let me tell you. There’s so much out there that folks don’t tell you about taking antidepressants, that I want to cover them, and my journey, for you. I had initially thought to do it in this post, but I think I’m going to do so in another post tomorrow so that this one doesn’t drag on too far.
This is post 2/31 for Blapril. You can find out more and sign up at Belghast’s original post. You can view those participating on Twitter via the Twitter list I put together. Nogamara of Battlestance has put together an RSS feed of all Blapril participants.